i am, i am, i am

I swear that we're all in a constant, recurring state of amnesia. Especially me. My epiphanies seem to repeat themselves over and over again. I wonder when they'll finally stick.

Something that I've been re-discovering is that I am so much more capable than I realize. My anxiety disorder causes me to assume and anticipate the worst. I often view myself as someone who is weak and destined for failure. Therefore, I typically don't even try. I wimp out before my strength can even be tested because I'm too fearful of what the inadequacy will feel like. 

I've been doing a month long yoga challenge with Yoga with Adriene on Youtube. Today is day 11, and I almost skipped for the first time, because I haven't felt physically well all day. But I got on my mat anyway and tried. And I ended up being able to push myself much further than I thought I would. I found a strength within me, a collection of power sitting in the roots of my heart, waiting for me to believe in it. And as I laid on my back at the end of the practice, I felt empowered. glowing. centered. I meditated on the truth that I am more than I know.

I am more than I know.
I am more than I know.
I am more than I know.

When I put myself in these situations of intense intentionalism and focus, I am able to see myself more clearly. I can wipe away all the fog of fear and doubt and emotion, and just be. 

My epiphanies seem to repeat themselves over and over again. I wonder when they'll finally stick.

I guess they'll stick when I put more energy into being present and aware. I get tangled up in a minefield of mind games with myself, and it becomes so hard to snap out of the mess of thought. I'm reading The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer which is teaching me a lot about consciousness and awareness as a human smothered by so much internal and external stimuli. Soon, I will take these lessons that I've learned, and iron them onto my soul like girl scout patches. I will not forget the truths I have discovered because I will wear my sash every day and be reminded of who I am and who I desire to be.

I am. I am. I am.

I am so much more.

take care,

 
 

soulmates

Last night, Christopher and I played a game while walking the dogs. Earlier in the evening, he had joked about us not being "meant to be." The sky was dark and the air was warm and I told him to shout a number between 1 and 10 on the count of three, and if we said the same one, we were meant to be. I said 7 and he said 4. I said I almost said 4, and he said he almost said 7. The rest of the walk home we tested our compatibility in different categories, seeing if we could shout the same thing. Approaching our building, I said, "color of the rainbow on three; one, two, three―we both said blue. Next was season―we both said fall. And then Christopher said, "best kind of dog; one, two, three" and in unison we shouted, "KANYE!" then erupted in laughter. I guess we're meant to be.

 

kathleen (2015)

kathleen (2015)

I am slowly learning to disregard the insatiable desire to be special. I think it began, the soft piano ballad of epiphanic freedom that danced in my head, when you mentioned that “Van Gogh was her thing” while I stood there in my overall dress, admiring his sunflowers at the art museum. And then again on South Street, while we thumbed through old records and I picked up Morrissey and you mentioned her name like it was stuck in your teeth. Each time, I felt a paintbrush on my cheeks, covering my skin in grey and fading me into a quiet, concealed background that hummed “everything you’ve ever loved has been loved before, and everything you are has already been,” on an endless loop. It echoed in your wrists that I stared at, walking (home) in the middle of the street, and I felt like a ghost moving forward in an eternal line, waiting to haunt anyone who thought I was worth it. But no one keeps my name folded in their wallet. Only girls who are able to carve their names into paintings and vinyl live in pockets and dust bunnies and bathroom mirrors. And so be it, that I am grey and humming in the background. I am forgotten Sundays and chipped fingernail polish and borrowed sheets. I’m the song you’ll get stuck in your head, but it will remind you of someone else. I am 2 in the afternoon, I am the last day of winter, I am a face on the sidewalk that won’t show up in your dreams. And I am everywhere, and I am nothing at all.

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an introduction

in

I created my Tumblr on November 20, 2010. From that moment on, I have grown to love sharing bits and pieces of myself through the form of a blog. With the chaos of life, I let this little joy of mine slip away, but as I enter into a new chapter of my life―one in which I am passionately intentional about how I spend my time and energy―I have decided to pick it back up again. It may take some easing into, so I won't make any promises about a weekly schedule, but I will promise you that I will pour my heart out and be 100% real whenever I do take the time to write to you. 

I am so accustomed to spilling my guts online that I assume everyone has been with me from the start, and that we're like old, old friends who've known each other since our awkward stages. I forget that I'm a stranger to most of you. 

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Madisen, I am 21-years-old, and I'm a Pisces, INFP, and Enneagram Type 4. I love personality evaluations. I was born and raised in Virginia. I have two younger siblings who I adore more than anything. I have two dogs that I love equally as much. I am a writer.

Something that I always get asked about: I was a Christian up until a few years ago when I discovered that that lifestyle wasn't for me. I still consider myself a spiritual person and aim to connect with the world around me through love. 

I've never been stung by a bee. I have a tattoo. I have eight piercings. My parents are stoked about it. I am a vegetarian (aspiring vegan) who is allergic to tree nuts, which is both funny and annoying. Currently, I am in my third year of college studying studio + digital arts. I just moved to Los Angeles, California, kind of on a whim, where I live in a sweet little apartment with my boyfriend and our dogs. I love my apartment. It is light and cozy and feels like home. I love this city. It's beautiful and inspiring. 

I love yoga and self-help books and people with warm voices. My mother was born in Colombia. I struggle with an assortment of mental health issues, including anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. I like to be outspoken about my journey with these challenges because I know how alone it can feel, and I want to break the stigma that mental illness is something to be ashamed of.

Right now I am reading several books at once because I am a child who cannot decide what she wants for dessert, so she orders cake, pie, and ice cream. Self-help book: You Are A Badass; a book on mental health: The Happiness Hypothesis; Lifestyle: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up; Leisure: Tender is the Night. 

I could tell you more, but you'll get to know me further as I share these blog posts, as well as continue to document my life through photographs on Instagram, bestow intellectual revelations on Twitter (ha ha), and maybe make some YouTube videos? 

Thanks for letting me into a fragment of your day. I know it can be chaotic, annoying, and full of a lot of meaningless bullshit, but maybe this wasn't one of those things. I hope that we can be friends.

take care,